The Most Important Thing

Not one of us is a perfect parent. We do our best, we try, we back up, we try again. And still we fail.

For some inexplicable reason God created the order of things that two barely mature adults get married and have families when they are young, inexperienced, and still, in many ways, growing up. There must be a reason for this.

Whatever the case, we as parents will make mistakes. We won’t always connect emotionally, we won’t always understand our children’s needs, we won’t always be there for them. We will throw up our hands and lament the fact that how will our children ever turn out in this present world. We grieve our mistakes. We often harbor a sense of guilt over past failures.

But there is a simple solution to ensuring our children turn out with the least amount of dysfunction, disconnect, and disorder. And it really all comes down to one word.

Interestingly enough, this one word was first presented in this context by the clinical psychologist Dr. Joseph Nicolosi in a profound tome on the subject of shame and attachment loss. In his years long study he came to the conclusion that this one word could prevent the many problems surrounding shame and disconnect.

That one word is this: DELIGHT.

That’s right, it’s as simple as that. Where parents were found to have delighted in their children there was little shame and almost zero disconnection. Those parents could make mistakes, they could fail their kids, they could fall short of the mark. But if they delighted in their children—that is, they thoroughly enjoyed them, had fun with them, doted on them (all attributes that take time)—their delight covered a multitude of sins.

Overall, as I have observed families this seems to be true. Of course, there are exceptions where external factors play in, such as outside trauma and abuse, or perhaps mental illness or organic dysfunction. But in general, this seems to be the elixir for strong emotional bonds between parents and children. Parents who delight in their kids, despite mistakes, send a clear message that the child is loved and valued. There is no greater or more needful message sent to a child than this.

This idea is also found in the Holy Word. There are numerous verses that mention the Lord delighting in His people. For some reason that means more to us; it gives a little different connotation than love. Of course we love our children, we say, but do we actually delight in them? Delighting is active, a watchful doting with a kind expression on our face and a twinkle in our eyes. What we delight in we protect, we enjoy, and we spend time with.

For example, think of the father who comes home, and his little boy runs to meet him. The boy is met with joy, thrown into the air, giggling, and caught again. He is hugged tightly, and then, as the boy excitedly tells his dad about some happening that occurred during the day, the dad listens with interest, giving the lad his full attention. The son is delighting in his father, the father in his son. This concept applies to both sexes and is equally important.

Delighting is not permissive. But it is unconditional. At the holy intersection where unconditional delight and consistent parenting meet is where a strong and secure sense of identity is formed. Training and discipline are tempered and made more effective when our relationship is characterized by delight.

In the end the challenge of raising connected kids may not be as difficult as it may seem. Failure and mistakes are an inevitable and maybe even necessary part of parenting.  But if our relationship with our children is characterized by delight, they will rise up and call us blessed.

BF

(Please feel free to comment, criticize, subscribe, and forward)

P.S.

Supporting the Work 

Over time there are those who have asked how to support our work here at Road Map to Morning. This is a rather challenging question for me in many ways. We have been very reluctant to include a support or donate button on our website for a variety of reasons. For one, this is a work we enjoy, for the most part, and are happy to provide a free service. We hope and trust that our subscribers, readers, and clients find value in the articles we post and the products we sell. We are also likely inhibited by fickle cultural mores and are sensitive to the message a donate or support button would send. In no way would we ever wish to obligate or pressure anyone into donating to the cause. We also do not want to stand in the way of God's blessing in providing a free service. It has been our way of giving back to a community that has blessed and helped us in our journey.  

At the same time, as my friends and advisors have pointed out, it does take time, sometimes a lot more time than we have, to research and write. There are also costs involved in maintaining and running a website. The recommendation I have received is to simply provide an option for those who wish to support the work. Well, I guess that's simple enough, and I can do that. But I do wish to reiterate that we are not asking for a donation or support (other than prayers, which are needful and required), but if you feel inclined to contribute to the cause in a monetary sense, there is now that option. 

In closing, I wish to thank each one who has shown interest and has subscribed. I feel the weight of responsibility and accountability that an audience such as this brings. I hope to continue posting inspirations and research as it comes and trust God will give the increase in whatever way He chooses. God bless each one in your journey. 

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