Rituals of Connection

Pursuing a Legacy of Healthy Connection

Few would argue that society is moving away from authentic in-person connection instead of toward it. The trend is alarming but, unless one identifies as a hermit, hobo, or monk, one we are all a part of. A sign of the times, we suppose: technology continually “improving” to make our lives “easier” while widening the gap and increasing the distance between authentic human connection.

As a community, both religious and cultural, we have established rituals of connection. We meet weekly for church. We operate our own private schools which produce their own set of rituals—weekly devotional by a dad, hot lunch by the moms, Christmas and year end presentations which bring the whole congregation (the physical, economical, and spiritual shareholders) together.

In our faith tradition we have a ritual where after a church service we all turn around, lean back against the bench, and visit. We don’t usually rush home; we stay, we connect, we communicate. We could argue that the conversational content during this time is important; but to me it’s a ritual of connection, no matter the content. We look into each other’s eyes, we show interest, we ask questions, we wish each other well. Then, occasionally, we go have a potluck, which is another ritual of connection.

Then there are rituals of extended family: reunions, get togethers after church, park picnics, holiday celebrations.

These are all obligatory connection points. By neglecting or negating these points we run the risk of losing respect, trust, and credibility.

The most important rituals of connection are found in our homes. Traditionally and historically speaking we have several rituals that automatically support connection. Two primary rituals that come to mind are obvious: the shared family mealtimes and family devotions. Both rituals bring individuals together in ways that promote long term benefits and leave long term effects on one’s limbic system and, in fact, our very soul.

The risk of loss is more subtle and, over the long term, more insidious in nature when we look into our homes and consider these seemingly small everyday rituals.

Family devotions are about so much more than reading the Bible and having prayer together. It is a time of checking in, reading the pulse of the family, hearing the unsaid and seeing the unseen. Every encouraging and positive word spoken during this time is like a golden thread that binds hearts closer. Over time this forges a strong bond that will not break.

Family mealtime is about so much more than food. It may be more lighthearted than devotions and so it should be. Anecdotes from the day, funny stories from school, mishaps, mistakes, and wins are discussed. A fight may break out, and food may be thrown, but even that connection is so much better than each one on his or her phone while absentmindedly slurping pasta.

One young married man commented the other day that he and his wife had a rule that no phones out after supper—that is, a tech free evening. Imagine that in 2025! If they can hang on to that, they are establishing a ritual of connection that will have long-term effects, and likely eternal benefits for themselves and their children.

I personally love the idea of tech-free check-ins for couples. Morning, noon, afternoon, or evening, whenever it works, each make your favorite drink and sit down and check-in with each other. What does your day look like? What challenges do you think you’ll face? How was your day, how did things go? Anything you want to talk about? This type of ritual prevents problems before they arise. Talk about a legacy!

A few days ago, I listened in on a conversation that encouraged ‘tailgate’ connection. I wondered, what exactly is that? I believe the term harks back to the time when farmers would meet in the field, throw down the tailgate of their pickup truck and sit and talk (and I’m sure some still do). I am not a farmer and few of my community are so what is this tailgate connection we speak of? I believe the basis lies in hospitality, for one. It takes effort to open one's home (throw down the tailgate). I believe the basis lies in coffee shops and breakfast diners (join me here on this tailgate): taking time out or being willing to get up early enough to meet friends and share hearts and minds.

The lack or absence of face-to-face connection rituals brings isolation and loneliness, even in the midst of a busy life. It brings disconnect that leads to dysfunction. It has been said that alcoholism is more than an addiction, it is actually a connection issue (Dr. Gabor Mate). We must, we will, connect with something. If not with humans, then we will seek connection in other ways that are invariably unhealthy.

When we do connect in person, we send messages, both verbal and nonverbal, positive and negative, healthy and unhealthy. How do you feel when you are sitting in a conversation with someone, and your conversation partner is constantly checking their phone, or, nowadays, looking at their smart watch? The unspoken message is clear: my business, my messages, my stuff is more important than this conversation and, ultimately, more important than you. If a phone must be present in a ritual of connection, the reason should be made clear to all: "My daughter is driving in a snowstorm, and I want to make sure she is safely home," etc.

Technology has its place. I have been blessed to connect with friends and family over WhatsApp, for example. But when technology fills the place of authentic in-person rituals we run the real risk of deep loneliness, social isolation, and ultimately spiritual disconnection with God and others. There are even physical risks: a recent Cleveland Clinic article cited a study showing that loneliness and social isolation can have the same impact on our hearts as smoking 15 cigarettes a day. I personally see individuals on a regular basis who show up at our local ER whose underlying diagnosis I could simply chart as “acute on chronic loneliness.”

Our culture has an incredible foundation laid for these rituals of connection. May we never lose sight of the wealth we have been given. And may we pass that on.

Wishing each one a happy and blessed Thanksgiving Season.

Ben Friesen

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