The Blessing of Forgetfulness

I take my forgetfulness in a positive stride because I also forget the problems.

Hina Khan

Let the past be content with itself, for man needs forgetfulness as well as memory.

James Stephens

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Ever been bothered by blanking out at critical moments? Like when you meet that friend and simply cannot recall their name. Or you’re sitting for that crucial exam and cannot for the life of you remember if X marks the spot or equals fifty-five. And what was that password again that you just knew you’d never forget? Never mind all the time spent looking for your glasses, phone, and teeth.

We consider forgetfulness to be a painful, inconvenient, and inevitable part of life. And in many ways, it is all of those, for sure. Especially later in life when we can recall in detail the events of 60, 70, 80 years ago but cannot, for love or money, recall what we had for breakfast.

But consider these scenarios.  The difficult dressing down the boss gave you a few days ago. The embarrassing moment in church last Sunday when you started singing the 5th verse to a 4-verse song. Or that scare you had when that little Ford Fiesta just about sideswiped you at the corner.

Imagine those scenarios in the light of a sharp, never-receding memory. Talk about miserable (and those scenarios are insignificant comparatively). Every day we would recall the same happenings as if they happened moments before. The same discomfort, the same shame, the same heightened heart rate. But here we see the blessing of forgetfulness. This process kicks in and those episodes slowly recede, taking the pain, the anxiety, and shame with them. We may still recall them months or years later but over time those little uncomfortable happenings fade away almost to nothingness, taking the sting with them.

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To forget is often bittersweet. I think about that sunset I saw last night, probably the best I’d ever seen. I have thought that about many sunsets, but thanks to our brain’s ability to forget, I don’t really recall those past sunrises any longer. Thankfully. It clears my brain and prepares it for the next lovely experience which seems new and fresh and I say again, for the thousandth time, “best ever!”

This bittersweetness extends to loved ones who have passed on. We cherish their memory but imagine if the same clear, sharp recollection remained of the day we were notified of their passing with all the immediate shock, grief, and even denial. We are thankful those feelings and emotions fade over time even if it comes along with the fact that we may forget things about them that were precious to us. This is a mixed blessing, but the Good Lord made it right.  

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Now let’s go deeper. Think about trauma. Many traumatic experiences tend to stick in the brain and recede very little over time. The painful memories left in the wake of abuse is one example. Another example is a tragic accident in which we were involved, and a loved one may have perished. Those memories continue to haunt us and cause problems. In many cases it seems like yesterday with the accompanying anxiety, shame, guilt, nightmares, panic attacks, and other symptoms that come with the territory. Forgetfulness would bring welcome reprieve, but it does not come, and the memories remain in our psyche, sharp and cutting.

How then to forget when we cannot? Here are some ways to find relief from painful and traumatic memories. One way to find this relief is to bring those memories to the “surface,” by verbalizing or journaling, which moves them from the “stuck” side to a “healing” side of our brain. Those memories may not be gone altogether but they no longer cause adverse symptoms.

You may have heard of EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing). This is another effective and evidence-based treatment for managing those memories. Here is how it works, figuratively speaking: Imagine a small room which contains an empty filing cabinet with loose papers (our memories) flying around the room, like pieces of large ugly confetti. These papers fly in our face (and the faces of others) leaving painful paper cuts and limiting our visibility. EMDR takes those papers, gathers them together, arranges them nicely, and places them in files. Those memories are still there but now reside in a safe place in our brain, no longer flying about causing issues.

Another treatment for traumatic memories is called “narrative therapy.” Let’s say you’ve been involved in a tragic accident in which lives were lost. You may have been at fault. You may be struggling with guilt and self-reproach. Or, as in some cases I have been aware of, a veteran returns from war where he has been witnessto unspeakable atrocities. Narrative therapy encourages you to verbalize the event, relating it to the best of your ability. In the beginning, the first telling, so to speak, will be very difficult and filled with emotion. As time goes by and the story is told more often, it becomes less difficult with each re-telling. A sign of healing is when the story becomes more detailed, and the emotion is absent.

 Obviously, narrative therapy will not work for all types of traumatic memories (and is not recommended for some types) but for one-off trauma it can be helpful. Again, this is an example of hurtful, symptomatic memories transferring to safe places in our brains and thereby no longer causing problems.

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This evening on my way home from work I was serenaded by an almost full moon, radiant, slowing rising in all its bright and pale glory. I was inspired and awed. And thankful I had forgotten other moons, most likely just as lovely.

BF